paper airplane

       "Can I have it all? I'm inclined to believe that the myth of having a successful career and a happy, cemented and well-adjusted family is just that, a myth. I either marry my ambition and don't notice my children until they're grown or sit in poverty while savoring the precious moments that are gone all too soon. But where is the balance? This is where being a "creative type" becomes EXTREMELY tricky."
                 ~ Austism: Another year

I read this in my friend's blog this morning.
I was cursing the kids for waking up too early and robbing me of my writing time, yet again.
After reading her blog, I remembered the fight to keep my soul.
I remembered graduating from college and wondering if it had been a huge waste of money.
Now I had a studio art/teaching degree...for what?
I nearly curled up and let the kids trample, nurse and whine the magic right out of me.
Instead I decided to use all that "thinking outside of the box" stuff I'd learned in school.

Right now I am winning.

The last 2 years of school I was pregnant and had a newborn.  I was not the only one.  I found women in every class who were taking on the same Herculean task that I was.  If they can do it, I  can do it.  It was not a competition, they were an inspiration.  I smiled every time I saw a pregnant woman waddle across campus.  I sent her a tiny paper airplane up and over the bog of intellectual steam.
My classes were juggled between Pepper's nursing schedule.
 Senior practicum.
Advanced studio painting.
 Printmaking.
 Adobe photshop for studio artists.
and the whole time I was thinking...."this is not my real life. My real life is at home."

I broke down and cried to my professor - I don't know how to make honest art and be a mom. I feel like I have to chose, and that one choice would be a lie...I don't even know which life is the lie.

That is the illusion you believe - he told me - you don't have to choose.

He was right.

Then my marriage counselor said - You just need to become a more creative problem solver.

He was right too.

Now I make art inbetween my work.  My work is raising these 3 kids.
Yes, I may enjoy it.  But it is work.
My art is squeezed into the cracks, like right now.
I started writing this yesterday, and haven't found a space to finish until 24 hours later.
Right now both kids are laying in bed drinking bottles.
They woke up at 6 and decided to take a nap at 7:45.
Okay.
So here is my nugget.

My friend's blog also got me thinking about a "successful career."

ca·reer

/kəˈri(ə)r/

Noun An occupation undertaken for a significant period of a person's life and with opportunities for progress. Alright. I've certainly got that in the bag. I've been writing - painting - drawing - creating - since I was 12 years old. The kids don't have to stop this. In fact, they make it more necessary. I started blogging at 4 am when I was up nursing Beckam. I did it because I could feel my mind and soul going to sleep. If I have no soul, no inner-voice, no compass, no dreams.....how can I raise children who matter? "Mother and Child", sculpture by Wilhelm Lehmbruck